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Thursday, October 7th, 2010
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Just for once, fucking prove that you care. That I am on the same level as the two of you. Fuck.
SO, I'm upset. For a number of reasons. None of which really matter right now. I had a good portion of a post typed but then my internet decided to eat it and I'm too fucking pissed and depressed to try and rewrite it all nice and neat.
Sean and jenni were asleep when i got home from work tonight. usually, when jenni works Sean will stay up and wait for her to get home, even when I'm home. Apparently I'm not as important. Will I ever be? Will he ever understand that my emotional reactions towards certain subjects are fucked because of past relational bull-shit? -sigs- jenni was supposed to come stay at the cabin with me but she isn't responding to texts. So she's probably still asleep.
I feel like I don't matter. That this relationship is going to end in the same way the others have: I'm pushed aside for "better prospects." Except for this time the "better prospect" is his wife. How the fuck can I expect to mesh with that? How can I convince myself that I matter when there isn't any out-reach for me?
Do I even matter?
That's the number one reason I haven't signed the lease yet. They don't know that. Because I don't know if they think I'm worth expeding the energy to deal with my emotional issues. I'm certain I'm a fun fuck. But other than that? Who knows. jenni speaks of long-term relationship stuff. Sean barely mentions anything really.
I'm just depressed and upset. This month has been a bad month for me in the past and the emotional run-over is proving to be difficult to deal with. So, who the fuck knows. I wish I could just throw my hands in the air and say WHAT THE FUCK EVER, and just keep on walking. I would love to. But as always, I'm stubborn. I want to make this work. I know jenni wants to make this work. No clue about Sean.
I need to be reached out for. and I don't know how to tell him that. cause if he doesn't start making some initiative, I'm just going to walk away.
We're into our eigth month of dating, the longest time I've dated someone and not been screwed over. Not been abused, not been hurt numerous times. We've been dating for eight months. But it's only felt like we were dating for maybe five out of those eight. This current month is not included.
-sigh-
they won't even read this, so why am I posting it? Oh yeah, cause I'm hoping that jenni checks her livejournal friends list in sometime tomorrow, even though she's only ever checked my page when i have told her to. basically: because I'm a fucking moron.
I'm going to go "sleep" before I spirl down even farther.
Do I even fucking matter.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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I do not wish to numb my emotional responses when I see something that reminds me of you. Please, reconsider.
Ok, with that out of the way. A lot has happened since January. I am thinking of getting a new livejournal. A fresh start. If I do I shall post the new journal name so you who still pay attention to my journal can add me.
I feel stronger than I have ever been. But i realized something today. Back in January when I cut people off for a month or so I believe I found Zen. I usually don't agree with Buddhist principles because I'm way too emotional, but I was (and still kind of am) at ease with just wandering this world alone. Unattached to anyone or anything. Relying solely upon myself. But perhaps my interpretation is wrong. I haven't studied Buddhism in years. But I found peace. peace in silence. peace in solitude. peace within.
And the reason I chose to deviate from that peace is my gift is emotion. I'm an empath. I believe that my purpose on this planet is to help others by using my gift. I can't very well do so if I'm totally unattached to everything.
I think that's now my battle. Zen and helping others. -laughs- But alas, it is late and I have to get up early. To bed I go!
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, January 7th, 2010
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Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
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what the fuck is wrong with me. why won't this end. i just feel like sleeping my life away. all i see is darkness.
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Sunday, October 18th, 2009
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We hold back so much truth within ourselves. We silence our vocal chords from speaking the words that drive our soul into a passionate fire or an icy apathetic glare. When is the day that those words will be set free? When will I not hold anything back. When will i stop being so afraid of being truly alone. When will my arms stop shaking. When will my heart calm. When will my mind not shudder when an opinion is asked. When will truth rank higher than acceptance.
when indeed.
When the will power and need to be who I am and live as completely as I can overshadows my insecurities. I can feel this day coming.. but not now. Not next week. Not next month. But in the future, yes. My soul will shine and my words will fly on vibrant wings.
One day I will hold nothing back.
One day I will be complete.
One day I will truly be alive.
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Monday, August 31st, 2009
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| You Are "What's Up?" |  You are a naturally curious person. You are interested in ideas, people, and the whole world.
You always have a lot of things to share, and you prefer to be around similarly fascinating people.
You like to talk, and at times you can be a bit of a gossip. You love to be in the know.
You also tend to be up on the news, current events, and politics. If anyone knows what's up, it's you! |
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What happened to the depth? We used to speak in such languid styles of life and streams of colors. What happened to this? All we speak fo now is meaningless chitter chatter. Like sparrows without a cause. Is there truly nothing left between us? What has happened? I miss the freeness with which we once spoke. Now all that is said is pained words and soft hints. Never anything worth while. Please, my time with you is always limited. Can we not still speak freely? Or has that gone with your trust as well? if so, I'm sorry for closing the door entirely. Hopefully I will remember to speak about this with you the next time we meet. If not, you will read it here. At least my words may form completely here.
On a different note, I hate being female.
Also, fuck dating. I'm too fucked to even try now. that has become apparent. so. not anymore.
I'm rather scatterbrained so I will try and write more later. I have to run to the store and I don't have my glasses. this should be fun.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I see a picture of two people standing close, eyes looking at the ground but not focused. Their bodies are very close, almost like they are leaning on one another. The smallers hands are twined gently in the tallers shirt, head hovering just above where the shoulder meets the chest. The tallers arms are resting gently around the smallers waist, providing shelter and warmth. Both forms communicating wordlessly to each other, whispering of faith and trust with each fingertip brush. Their bodies resound with a ringing tone of passion and love. Eyes focused not on the ground with which they are pointed at, but the sound of their partners beating heart, the rhythm that sings of past scars and healing touches. Both individuals listen and move as though they both agreed to be two halves of a whole, for just a moment in time. For just a moment in their lives, they are complete. They know an end will come in due time, but for now, their hearts beat the same song as their eyes see the same definition. For now, they are loved.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
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and here I thought that I had broken my addiction to pain. apparently I just missplaced it.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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RULES:
- Leave a comment and I'll give you a name.
- Post the answers (along with these questions) on your blog.
- Tag other people and repeat.
I was tagged with Hizumi. =D
1. Do you like this person?
-blinks- yes, yes, and yes.
2. How do you call this person?
Hizu-chan. or Zumi-kun.
3. Which color do you associate with this person?
dark red, black, and a dark glowing green.
4. Number four is missing, so never mind.
I MAKE UP ANSWERS!!!!!! the muse of hizumi in my head is part of a threesome cuddle puddle thing. it's HizuXZeroXMyv. -chuckles- YAY CRACK PAIRINGS!
5. Looking at his/her character, what blood type do you think does he/she have?
-blinks- hmmm... do I want to cheat and actually go and look up his blood type. I think he has b. can't remember. >.> B.
6. What do you want to tell that person?
well it's more of a question, what are the actual sex pairings of D'espairsRay, 'cause damn they must switch around a lot.
7. What do you want to do with this person: hug, kiss or shake hands?
I just want to become friends with him, talk, hangout, occasional spazzing over something. who knows. =3
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Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
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perhaps it's how you handle such "evil" acts that determines how and if it is made up for.
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It feels weird to look forward and not know whether or not you are looking at the past or the future being made in the form of the present. To look down at your hand and not know what exactly you're staring at. Who is this form I am residing in? What will I be this life time? How will I die this time? Is it worth it?
I was asked what was wrong with me, so I suppose I should list what's been floating around my head for the past few days. well, here goes. Am I worth it?
Am I really worth all that has been given to me. wouldn't they be happier if my claim didn't exist? Do I make him happy? Can I even do so? How can I ask for what I want if I''m giving nothing in return as is? How can I ask at all? Do I even have the strength to push aside my fears and wounds to ask in the first place? Am I helping him? Am I healing him? How can I help them, all of them? Would it benefit Klaha more if I took her wounds from Mana, since they were mine to begin with? Would it be right if I did so? Is my touch even wanted? Or should I vanish like I so wish to do at times? Could I be there more? Am I there enough? Is my support system still in tact or is it in shambles?
these are just a few of the many. most other thing have to do with anxiety about school, sailing stuff, money, and other stressors. -sighs- oh the wonderful joy of being stressed out and having almost no money. ^-^ oh well. things will work out hopefully.
But that question does pop into my head alot. Am I worth it?
Does it really matter?
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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1. Comment to this and I will give you 3 people
2. Provide a picture and name of 3 people
3. Label which you would fuck, marry, and kill
4. Post this meme with your answers
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) kestral_kitsune gave me Zero, Hitsugi, and Shou.
well the easiest one first I suppose..
Kill: Shou
sorry but I really just don't like the guy. -snickers- nothing personally against him, but I can't stand his voice is most songs.
and now for the two that I can't make my mind up on.. >.< argh!!
Marry: Zero
=3 what? he's hot, adorable, dark, and loads of fun I'd imagine.
Fuck: Histugi
I can see myself and Hitsu being like best friends, but never getting married. so, I'd just fuck him. -chuckles-
yay for meme's make me try and be as stereotypical and fangirly as possible. >.<
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
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Saturday, January 24th, 2009
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Livejournal Confessional
step 1. Make a Livejournal Confessional post
step 2. Wait for people to comment.
step 3. Tell those people EXACTLY what your opinion of them is.
step 4. Wait for the crying/bitching/LJdramu
Those who comment must post this as well.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, December 25th, 2008
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2008 survey
1) Where did you begin 2008?
At my ex's house, drinking wine and just being spazzes as usual.
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Taken. but it was the beginning of a rather long and harsh ending.
3) Were you in school anytime this year?
yes. both spring and fall semesters. spring at UWG and fall at KSU.
4) How did you earn your money?
by hitting up the parents. and also helping out as a sailing instructor during the summer. but so far.. still fucking unemployed.
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
not this year. I have managed to avoid hospitals for yet another year! yay!
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
haha. I've had a few police officers stop me when I was in a park after it closed. nothing serious. they just checked my ID to make sure I was who I said I was.
7) Would you relive 2008 over and over again?
definitely not. no.
8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
School tuition. >.<
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
I'm sure someone did. -shrugs- I am just a tad bit antisocial and reclusive. =P
10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
yeah.
11) Did you know anyone who had a baby?
yup, yup. my god sister.
12) Did you move anywhere?
yup. from carrollton to ackworth.
13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Turisas, Children of Bodom, D'espairsRay, Merri, Eluveitie, and a few other local bands.
14) Are you registered to vote?
Yes, and I did at every possible election.
15) Do you still have the same job as you did in 2007?
nope.
16) Has anyone betrayed you in 2008?
In a sense, yes. -shrugs-
17) Where do you live now?
A hole in the wall. ya know. the usual. akia. don't try and find me. =D
18) Describe your birthday?
um.. I didn't celebrate it? normal day. my mom bought a cake that I didn't eat and ice cream I forgot about.
19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2008?
give up on someone that I cared about quite a lot.
20) What has been your favorite moment?
hmm... finally finding someone willing to chase after me. aka. playing hunter and hunted in Carrollton. -snickers-
21) What's something you learned about yourself?
all that glitters is not gold.
22) Any new additions to your family?
blood family? don't care enough to keep tabs. as for friends. I am forming a new pack, so to speak. so my family is growing!!
23) What was your best month?
dear god.. none of them.
24) Were you in a relationship this year?
yes, I was. and it ended for me when on our anniversary she was with her "fiance." fuck her. I no longer care. and YES. I found someone who is actually willing to put up with my fucked up mental issues. =D
25) What music will you remember 2008 by?
a mixture. some Manson.
26) Who has been your best drinking buddy/buddy's?
-laughs-
27) New friends?
-laughs harder- dude. I love my theatre class, just because of the back row. kudos to we smart-asses who already knew what the lessons were about.
28) Favorite Night out?
um...seeing Despa? Twilight? random waho adventures?
29) Would you say you've changed since the beginning of this year?
hell yes
30) Do you think 2009 will be better or worse?
meh. probably better since this year fucking sucked but was almost evened out in karmanic standards. =P
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Saturday, December 20th, 2008
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I wonder how often I come up in a conversation with people who used to know me quite well. I wonder what they say, if the wonder how I'm doing. If the worry about me. If they wonder if I talk about them. I wonder if they miss having me around, or if once in a while they suddenly have a pang of wanting to see me because an object or something trigger a few memories, feelings. 'cause I know that happens with me. I see something, a drawing, a book, an action, a snapshot, music, places, etc, and I'll think of them.
but that's not really why I am sitting here after another sleepless night. well kind of a sleepless night. I just can't seem to sleep during the night time. During the day I can sleep like a log... my sleep schedule is all over the place. >.<
The prospect of yesterday is what keeps popping into my mind. What has already passed. what cannot be gained again. That which has already been set in stone. Opprotunities that have been lost or seized. Words that have lost their power and words that are slowly gaining speed. Memories have been flooding my mind as of late, ranging from people whom I have lost to random oddities that happened between my friends and myself.
For instance, this one time (at band camp.. heh. just kdiding. though I have quite a few stories from then) in English 1101, when we were analyzing poetry, I said that the tone of the poem was pensive and the two other people I was working with didn't know what pensive meant. >.<
Or, Dracula. God did I love that play. I still am in awe of how amazing it turned out. I love that play with a passion and would do anything to be apart of another production of said play.
Mainly I am remembering who I was while I am recovering and restoring myself. A task that is taking it's toll as I am remembering lost words and people, those that have drifted from the close bounds where they once stayed within my heart. Those moments that will forever be etched into my memory and those that I almost resent bringing back to the forefront of my mind. I don't run from them, but sometimes the pain is just too much to bear.. or is it bare.. I never know.. odd. I pride myself on word choice yet I can barely spell them correctly or figure out the correct connotation with which to use them. -shrugs- My creativity will come back.. eventually. My poetry will flow as my pencil sketches.
There is so much to my life that I wish I could feel again, just for a moment, a few seconds. So that I can smile again, so brightly as though the very sun where renting out a cavity within my soul. I always am saying that I am trying to live and not just exist, but these past few months, or rather from like March 2008 til sometime last semester, I've been merely existing. I want to live! I want to wake up in the morning and suddenly remember that a friend has a surprise for me or that I have to surprise a friend with some gift, or that I have some wacky hair-do I want to try, or make up, or something... anything. I want to feel a drive to strive for everything and all that I can do. Because all that I can feel at the moment is... yesterday. I am still rubbing the sleep from my eyes as the world passes me by. I am thinking, "I can wait a few more hours, let me try and sleep some more." How much longer will it take? When will I feel that drive once again? Have I burned myself out already? When will the winds of life whisk me away in a current of dives and tries?
Why am I waiting for something to catalize what I want to feel when all I have to do is open my eyes and grab life by the shirt collars saying, "Race you to the sunset and back! Winner gets to pick who's driving during the roadtrip!"
Why am I waiting? Why does this pain that I still feel in my chest make me hesitate? (I know that one...)
Why is my cat licking my face? heh.
Why?
"I'll race ya!"
"You're going to have to come up with a smarter way to kill it or else... Bang!" I love Yu Yu Hakusho.. =D Quote from Youko Kurama in the dark tournament versus karasu.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
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| Time: | 3:17 am. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. |
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 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
Last Sunday I broke sakuhara_hana's X-Box (-12 points). Last Friday beautifulshade and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). Last Wednesday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, arrogant_ninja (-5000 points). Last Monday I gave colordrone a kidney (1000 points). In November I gave kestral_kitsune a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-3951 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!
Sincerely,
as_time_stops |
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, November 30th, 2008
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so much has happened, yet so little. ok. let me see if I can recap. maybe, maybe not. I sense a tangent coming.. haha.
Last post was a letter I was going to send to Mana. Never did, probably never will. It's over and therefore it doesn't matter anymore. The feelings are still there kinda. I'm being healed. slowly but surely. by Taylor and another group of friends here in Kennesaw. School is.. school. I'm a little bit behind. this is getting way too over generalized.
fuck it. right now. what I'm feeling. go. a swirling on energy, though muted. I'll have to give a real update some other time. I'm... not able to grasp my thoughts as I'd like. grr..
oh yeah. christmas shopping. haha. I just need to wrap a few presents and then tada. perfect for giving. =D off I go in search of wrapping paper.
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Saturday, October 25th, 2008
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melancholy.
gloomy.
creative.
blank.
curious.
contemplative.
bouncy.
amused.
crazy.
cold.